I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
