I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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