I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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