Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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