I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
