I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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