she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
