my being single is dangerous.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
