haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
