Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
