Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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