Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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