Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
