You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
