We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just saw a hot homeless man
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
