I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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