This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
At least life still wants to fuck me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
