her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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