no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
