Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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