I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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