I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
