if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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