booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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