So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
