What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
