I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
