i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
