he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
