Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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