I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
