guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
