I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
