I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
