This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
