The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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