My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
NoShamevember. You game?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
