I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just high enough for therapy.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
