I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
