I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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