Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
