Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Be still, my beating vagina.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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