apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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