I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
