You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
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