My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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