At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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