It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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