We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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