wanna go halves on a baby?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Randomize
