This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
