Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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